Jan Fran the Redneck

Well, I wasn’t sure my new fella, Woody, was much of a redneck, but last night sitting out by the BBQ pit in my backyard drinking some Jack, some beer, and a little more Jack, he was telling me with a tear in his eye, how he lost custody of his hunt’n dog when him and his old lady got divorced. He said he fought long and hard for that dog. He still hasn’t got that stain from the dog on the carpet cleaned up yet. I guess the first time Woody cooked supper fer himself after his wife left him for the guy who unclogged their toilets, he had some leftovers. It was before the custody hearing for their hunt’n dog and he still had his dog. Woody, scaped the leftovers out of the pan and gave em to his dog, Jake. Poor Jake was sick for 2 days! He couldn’t afford to be gitten his carpet cleaned cuz he had to give all his money to the layer in hopes to win custody of Jake. He lost custody and only gits the dog 3x a year fer hunt’n, but of course he misses having the dog livin with him all the time. After court, Woody  jest couldn’t stand to have the carpet cleaned…..so he keeps his reminder of those days when it was jest Jake and him.

In the moonlight there reflecting off the ol Buick with the stars overhead, I saw Woody in a whole new light, while he was passed out, drooling, and snoring on my lap.

My redneck backyard has a BBQ pit my boys dug up for me so I would cook them up some pit cooked meat like they had at their friend’s house. I like cooking in the pitt in my redneck backyard. I like havin a pit cook’n party and all my redneck friends help me out with the work and bring food to go with the meat.

My new fella thinks I should cover my BBQ pit in my backyard when I’m not using it. I don’t think Woody’s been a redneck long. I guess he doesn’t know that an uncovered BBQ pit is a good way to weed out the drunks at a party in a redneck yard. It’s also a good place to let JD sleep it off when he passes out and is in the way. Not sure about this new fella’s drinkin habits, but I might need to put Woodyin there at the next party, with JD. I’d need a video fer when they sober up and wake up next to each other. Makes me laugh jest thinkin bout it!

Here’s my hints on preparing meat for a pit BBQ in a redneck yard:

• Season the meat real heavy and stick in the broiler jest to brown the meat before putt’n it in the pillow case. I use the basics for seasoning-garlic powder, salt, pepper, and parsley.

• Line the bottom of the pit with bricks

• Around the top edge put some of those big white bricks to reduce erosion of the pit when its rainin

• Add stuff to the white, clean, and new pillow case (don’t be a use’n a an ol’ pillow case with drool stains). Some of the stuff I add to the pillow case depending on the type of meat I’ll be a cook’n-BBQ sauce, teriyaki sauce, a pound of butter, cilantro, onion, peppers, and/or tomatoes

• Two wire hangers with the top bent together and the bottom wrapped around the wrapped meat make a great handle

• During winter mark the pitt and maybe cover it so it isn’t hidden by the snow and someone falls in (JD will be saying “I told you” so for a month of Sundays if he hears bout it, even though we only get snow bout once every 5 years or so)

When there is fire and the wood is hot in the backyard pit, have someone who is sober guard the pitt so no one falls in and is try’n to sue you. When the pitt party starts when the meat is gettin ready and lasts till it comes out of the pit (about 14-16 hours including gettin the wood heated up), I usually have one of my redneck friends take turns guardin the pit. Pregnant women folk are handy because they won’t drink anyways and they is in hyper protective mommy mode. No one agues with a pregnant woman. We all know they can git mean and if their man is around, well that could mean real trouble if you are a argue’n with his pregnant woman. So if you can, find yerself a pregnant woman to guard the pit when it’s hot.

I’ve been cookin in my redneck backyard’s pit for about 5 years now. I went to a “dirty bird” pitt party where everyone cooked up their Thanksgivin turkey and I got hooked.